Shaking off the lethargy and pasty complexions of winter, the traveling road show headed for warmer climes and did its first gig of the year on everyone's favorite American protectorate. To their mingled delight and dismay the Survivors found Guam to be a bit soggier than in years past -- a welcome relief to those who remember how quickly the tropical sun can turn a man into a rock lobster, but a bit of a drag to the white guys hoping to return with a Fonzie-like countenance.
The tour began as all good tours begin - with half the party skipping work to go play golf in monsoon rains a day early and the other half scraping through immigration by the skin of their teeth on Friday night just as the gates were closing. In another first for the Survivors it took four aircraft to get them off the peninsula. But all made it safely onto the plane in time to take off late, arrive late and wait for approximately 7 hours while our good friend Sex tried to find enough Japanese rugby players to fill the Bouncing Beer Bus.
The morning sun greeted the Survivors in between rain showers. This was a good thing for those that had enough lights on them the night before. Once the Survivors had the boots dawned and laced, it came to attention that we could actually field a team without any whores joining in the starting line up. That was a first in many years. Pianoman stepped in with a little "On the Spot Guidance" about wearing sun block, although no one could pay attention as his own rather vicious burn blinded them. Getting a sunburn while playing Golf in the rain just goes to show what a harsh game Golf can be.
The Survivors matches of the first day seemed to demonstrate that the team is still in good form, with both games being lost decisively to the two of the host teams. However, they were no match for the Survivors the night before. Despite the losses, by the end of the day the Survivors started showing their usual brilliant teamwork in the pack and some impressive breaks in the backs.
The Survivors headed out that evening for the second set of matches in pure Chosun style. The evening started with an absolutely first class banquet, complete with amazing food, plenty of drinks, old Survivor friends, and a Hong Kong male stripper. After the feast some of the Survivors went off to enjoy the natural beauty of the island, while others went off to enjoy the natural beauty of the island.
Sunday play commenced with the Survivors determined to contend for silverware. In the first contest, the last Pool game, they found themselves on the short end of a loss. Great match, in a Survivor kind of way. Finally putting it all together they rallied themselves and managed a win in the Bowl semifinal, officiated by none other then The Sock, whose clarity, skill, and popularity throughout the weekend made all the other referees jealous.
The Bowl final began with intensity, a now cohesive Survivors side taking it strong to the local boys, Para Todu RC. It looked as though there might be a second Dick Pacific Bowl in the decor of the Three Alley Pub as the seamless support of the pack married with the speed and power of the backs, they were able to unleash a fury on the opposition like none they had known before.
In one passionate effort to secure the Bowl, Le Frog sacrificed his body to move the ball within 3 meters of the try line only to discover that, evidently, head trauma can cause amnesia. Or can motivate a man to do a chillingly accurate impersonation of a vegetable at a completely inappropriate moment. To everyone's relief Le Scrum Half eventually figured out what country he was in but was still unable to make it back for the second half.
In the end the opposition caught one too many lucky breaks, and the clock ran out before the Survivors could counter the offensive. The Survivors conceded the Bowl, 12-14, but not without administering a proper punishing to the other team. It was a hard fought game that could have ended in either team's favor. But the Survivors knew that they would win the match later that evening. Survivors have always trained hard for the longer lasting stamina, which usually kicks in for the evening matches.
There were moments of brilliance on the pitch regardless of the reflection on the scoreboard. Standout performances included superhuman agility and speed from Joey "GI Joey" Frizzell, steamrolling ball carriage by nice-guy prop Ben Hale, smart back line leadership by Dave "Altar Boy" Church, and solid reliable performance from all the old heads. Speaking of old heads, The Fonz took a pretty good crack on his sagacious noggin that left him uncertain about which way was up.
The competition for Tour Fool was nearly as stiff as the competition on the pitch, with many contenders vying for the coveted Chinese Warrior Helmet. Serge spent an evening in the Helmet for just being himself, Bruiser made a bid for it by losing her Chosun Dynasty hat to a wolf in Roasty clothing. Rookie Scott Marchant -- now christened Ken Doll for being Survivor Most Likely to Model for Sculpture – nearly took the prize with an impressive bit of nipple work involving some ice cubes and a Kowloon Kiwi on the rebound from time in the sin bin. (The Restaurant Sin Bin, that is. Who knew that restaurants had sin bins? Or that 10 minutes is the standard penalty for stripping down to nothing but a hand puppet in front of a family of peaceful Japanese people), Chris "Subic Survivor" Edwards made a guest appearance in the Fool Pool by winning a cup with another team. But in the end Pianoman took home the ancient dynastic trophy for a myriad of reasons but what goes on tour stays on tour.
Other tour features included Keehyung Nam putting the Korean back in the Korea team, Bruiser putting the Survivors over the top in the contest for Team with the Highest Average Estrogen Level, and a supporting party of beautiful women including for the first time a Survivor Sister.
Many thanks to our friends in Guam for another top-notch tournament. Some may like it Hot, but this year we proved that Some Like It Raining.
